Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize