I think I died a long time ago.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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