what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
