The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My cat gives me a boner
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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