Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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