I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Still dying that you shit outside
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
