she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
