my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize