Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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