just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He kissed a someone with a penis
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
