You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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