I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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