i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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