I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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