This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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