Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
