I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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