She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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