I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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