Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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