I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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