I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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