i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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