her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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