My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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