Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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