i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
