Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
