He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
