just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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