I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
