i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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