even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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