Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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