I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
