Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
