my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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