I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
