I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
