How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
