I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She bit a glass in half.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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