I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Randomize