dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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