like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
