You just made me feel so damn special
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
