dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
