It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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