I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
my poor anus
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
