We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize