I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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