I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize