I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
