I have demons in me.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My pussy is not your playground.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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