i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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