I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
